[Arch] Field Agent Sterling Malory Archer, codename Duchess
[Mal] Malory Archer, Director of ISIS
[Lana] Agent Lana Kane
[Cyr] Cyrill Figgis, ISIS Comptroller.
[Cher] Cheryl, Mallory’s secretary
[Pam] Pam, HR director
[Wood] Woodhouse, Archer’s butler
[Hector] Agent Hector Luiz, ISIS Field Agent
[Mugumbe] Agent Mugumbe, ISIS Field Agent
[Pac] Agent Pac, ISIS Field Agent
[Conw] Conway Stern, a double-whammy.
[Brett] Brett. Job [??] The guy who Archer often shoots.
[Ops-Nerd] An ISIS nerd, fond of “Lord of the Rings”. Name [??]
[Schm] Wilhelm Shmeck, inventor of the “Whisper Drive”
[Cuban] A random Cuban hitman.
(Mallory is addressing a team meeting)
Mal: ..and if it happens again, I’ll put a lock on it so no-one can enjoy it.
Moving on, item 7. Oh, I’m afraid I have some tragic news.
Arch: Item six wasn’t tragic?
Mal: Zip it.
Mal: Agent Hector Luiz who had infiltrated El Frente Roho was killed last night
when his cover was blown.
Arch: Wait, who?
Lana: How in the hell did his cover get blown?
Quick cut to Hector with a bunch of military types
Hector: Hah hah, grazie amigo. (more Spanish) [??]
Arch: (over phone, calling from a party)
Talk to these chicks, alright. Tell them how we’re really ISIS agents.
They don’t believe me. Hello? Senor wingman?
Back to ISIS
Arch: He probably just got careless.
Mal: I’m sure Hector didn’t get..
Arch: Oh c’mon. Luiz was a loose cannon. He played it fast and he
played it loose, and in the end he got burned.
Mal: Be that as it may.
Arch: Loose cannon.
Mal: For ISIS to continue enjoying Title 6 tax incentives, we have to meet
certain.. diversity requirements.
Cyr: Oh, I think we are pretty diverse.
Lana: Hah, please.
Arch: What, you’re black.. ish
Arch: Well, what’s the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said “Quadroon”.
Lana: Imagine that!
Arch: You imagine it!
Mal: Both of you imagine shutting up. Because after loosing Agent Pac last year..
Flash to Agent Pac with a bunch of military types
(Pac on the phone with Archer)
Arch: Hey, tell this broad what’s up with ISIS, Pacman, wacca wacca wacca.
Back to the office
Mal: .. and then Agent Mugumbe..
Quick cut to Agent Mugumbe with a bunch of military types
(Mugumbe on the phone with Archer)
Arch: Hey, are you going to this lame ISIS picnic?
Back to the office
Arch: Loose cannons!
Mal: .. the ISIS palette has become decidedly monochromatic.
Arch: I’m one-sixtyfourth Cherokee.
Cyr: “A”, you’re probably not.
Lana: And “B” through “Z”, nobody cares.
Arch: You’re anti-native American.
Mal: Item eight, we need a diversity hire..
Arch: I vote “agent chick”.
Mal: .. and after an exhaustive search, I’ve found the perfect candidate.
So join me in welcoming our new ISIS agent..
Conw: Stern. Conway Stern.
(Stern is black with a prominent Jewish necklace)
Mal: He’s a diversity double whammy.
Mal: So, that was the firing range, and the cafeteria, and do you keep
Conw: Well, I do have a weakness for prawns.
Mal: Me too! I’ll have a big paella tomorrow. OK, that’s the mainframe, and
these are all just drones.
Conw: Mallory, these are the unsung heroes of ISIS. I mean, were would be we
without my man Cyril in accounting.
Cyr: Hey. Thank’s.. bro.
Conw: You got it buddy, or the lovely Pam, in Human Resources.
Pam: Yeah, I am kind of lovely.
Conw: And last, but not least..
Conw: .. I’m sorry I don’t know your name.
Cher: Me neither.
Mal: See, they don’t know anything. Now, over here is a big corner office.
Conw: I see its currently empty.
Cher: (aside, to Pam) Like my vagine.
Pam: Yeah, but unlike your dusty vagine, it’s not going to stay empty.
Cyr: Wait.. You don’t think you’re getting the office?
Pam: Well, I am the Human Resources director.
Cyr: Well, Pam, c’mon. Let’s face it. You’re entire job could be done by
a bulletin board.
Pam: You heard Conway, I’m essential.
Cyr: How? I could go online and get a list of every federal holiday for the
Cher: (typing at computer) Wow. Ten-thousand years?
Pam: Wait, really? Ten-thousand?
Cher: Oh. No. This isn’t even on.
Pam: I’m going to get..
Cher: No. I’m getting it, Pam.
Cher: Oh. My god. I am surrounded by idiots.
A Locker Room at ISIS
(Mallory and Conway are present, Conway wearing only a towel)
Mal: .. and this is the locker room.
Conw: Yeah, the lockers were a tip-off.
Mal: Well, I’ll leave you to it, but if you need anything.. Well, you know
how to whistle don’t you Conway?
Conw: Yep, lips together.. blow. Got it.
Mal: You are just a little treasure. (Mallory giggles and leaves)
Conw: (aside) Jesus, Conway, what have you got yourself into, man.
(Archer arrives, also in only a towel)
Arch: You better pray it wasn’t my mother.
Conw: I’m fairly confident that you misread that whole situation.
Arch: Oh yeah.
Conw: And I’m real confident that you misread this one.
(Stern attacks archer)
Arch: How ’bout this one?
Conw: This one actually seems kind of gay.
Arch: Well, maybe because our penises are touching.
Conw: So lets go on .. three!
(Stern and Archer release. Both are naked.)
Conw: Wait, ah… You see something you like?
Arch: No, you queer.
Conw: Oh, I’m queer, from the guy who’s tiny gun came with a matching purse.
Arch: Hey, it’s got plenty of stopping power.
Brett: (off-screen) What, that little?
(Archer shoots Brett off-screen)
Brett: God, damn it, Archer.
Arch: See that? He was putting on his pants, and I stopped him. So you just
watch your step Mister.. Dammit!
Conw: Hey, right there, what you should have gone with there was Sammy
Back to ISIS office
Cyr: C’mon, she doesn’t need a corner office just to xerox the ISIS
Pam: Color xerox. And what? You need more room to chop vegetables.
Mal: Alright. Obviously, I need to make a decision but which shall it..
Oh! Or I could just give Conway both.
Cut to ISIS operations room
Lana: You what?
Conw: I already took care of those.
Lana: “Frodo” and “Salsa” were my operations.
Conw: At ease, career admiral. Mallory was getting impatient on Salsa.
Lana: “Salsa” was a highly complex operation.
Conw: Two phone calls. And as for “Frodo”.
Conw: Well, some pun involving hobbits.
Ops-Nerd: Like I bet he wishes he was wearing Bilbo’s coat of
Dwarven mithril, right.
Conw: I’m gonna take your word on that.
Lana: Oh yeah?
Lana: Well, take my word on this. I’m the top agent around here. So watch it!
Nerd: So see, in Middle Earth..
Conw: Shh. Shh Shh. C’mon buddy.
Pam: You’re kidding.
Arch: No, I’m dead serious. I want to fire a HR complaint against Conway.
Pam: Yeah, on what grounds?
Arch: He touched my penis with his penis.
Arch: Yeah, he just came up to me and was like “bwip”.
Arch: All of it. Head and shaft, and I.. oh, you mean where in the building?
Because it shouldn’t matter, Pam.
Pam: No, because I’ve got this other complaint from Brett, who says you
shot him again.
Arch: Well, here’s the thing about Brett.
(Archer takes a stack of papers from Pam’s desk and walks out)
Pam: Oh shit! They were the newsletters.
Cher: Cyril, I need a little favor.
Cyr: OK, Coreen.. (sees a new name plate) Oh.. now its Cristal?
Cher: You know, like the Champagne? It’s what hot black guys drink..
Cyr: Ah, you sure about that?
Cher: .. and I want Conway to drink me, so I need you to hook up this trap.
Cyr: Well, I will certainly try.
Cher: Don’t try. Do. And here, use this.
(Cheryl hands Cyril a bag of warm shrimp)
Cyr: Eww. Wow. What is this?
Cher: Tell Conway that his Secret Santa wants to come. early. Or whoever
it is that brings Jewish people their Christmas presents.
Somewhere in ISIS
(Archer is shredding the newsletters)
Lana: What are you doing?
Arch: Er, none of your businessing. And what kind of spy agency scrimps on a
Lana: Well, apparently the kind that scrimps on background checks. Who is
Arch: I don’t know, but I got a bad feeling about mother’s little
Lana: So, I must be having a stroke, because we actually agree on something.
Arch: Wait. Really?
Lana: Totally. I mean, he shows up out of nowhere, and starts trying to get
all up in everything. I mean “Salsa”, “Frodo”..
Arch: Possibly mother.
Lana: .. and what do we know about him.
Arch: Only that he’s not circumsized.
Lana: OK. Glossing over how you know that.
Arch: We touched penises.
Lana: No! Glossing! But a non-circumsized Jewish guy.. that’s not weird to
Arch: No. Why would it.. I mean I’m not Jewish, and I am circumsized.. So it
can happen like..
Lana: No it doesn’t work like that.
Arch: Lana, I think we both know that it works fine.
Lana: Oh, c’mon. Not your dick, dumb-ass.
Arch: Oh, my God. This is about you and me, right?
Lana: Oh, my God, get over yourself.
Arch: I am over myself, but apparently you’re not.
(Archer has wandered over to Cheryl’s desk)
Arch: What the hell smells like shrimp?
Cher: Just my sensual womanhood. Oh, wait. Eww.
Conw: I bet your womanhood smells divine.
Conw: Now, whom can I thank for these shrimp?
Cher: Me! Your secret Jew Santa.
(Cheryl rips open her cardigan)
A copier room at ISIS
(Cheryl is naked on a copier)
Cher: Conway, that was amazing.
Conw: Yeah, so ah.. OK.
Cher: (aside) Oh. my God. I hope I’m pregnant.
Arch: What are you talking about?
Pam: Well, the system bounced back your sexual harrassment complaint against
Arch: Well unbounce it back.
Pam: Who am I? Tron? Go talk to your mother, she’s the one who bounced it.
Arch: Who? Why would she do that?
Pam: Hey. Whoa. And don’t go starting rumors about Conway boning your mother.
(Archer throws up)
Pam: You get any of that in the trashcan?
Arch: No. I missed on purpose.
Lana: Hey, Mallory. Ah, you got a second?
Mal: I sincerely doubt it.
Lana: It’s about Conway.
Mal: Then yes, I have entire minutes. Isn’t he just a dream come true?
Lana: Well, that’s the thing. How did you actually find Conway?
Mal: Well, he just sort of appeared..
Lana: Ah, yes..
Mal: .. like a foundling, carved out of onyx.
Lana: Yes, but where? I mean, if you didn’t do a background check?
Mal: Are you an idiot? Or do you just think that I am? He totally checked
Lana: OK, Do you mind if I just take a little..
Mal: Lana Kane! Just because now you’re not the only black agent.
Lana: Hey! That is not..
Mal: Urban… whatever. You come in here and accuse Conway of what exactly?
Lana: OK fine, I can’t prove anything right now.
Mal: The didn’t stop J. Edna Hoover from persecuting Martin Luther King, now
Lana: Wait, what does that have to do.. Wait.. J. Edna?
Mal: You never heard that? How Hoover was a huge cross-dressing chicken hawk?
Lana: I had not.
Mal: Well that’s exactly the kind of slanderous and unsubstantiated rumor
that I will not tolerate at ISIS. Think about that while you’re on
Lana: While I’m on what?
Mal: What are you, deaf and racist?
Lana: I’m black.
Mal: Oh, put it back in the deck.
Cyr: Hey, how’s my lovely lady?
Lana: Mallory suspended me. Just because I had the nerve to ask a few
questions about her little “Homeboy McJewison”.
Cyr: Whoa, Lana, Honey?
Cyr: It’s perfectly natural for you to be jealous of Conway.
(Cyril has a black eye)
Conw: She cold cut you, huh?
Cyr: Yeah, with that big Flinstony fist of hers. But seriously,
Conw: Ah, c’mon, I’ve heard worse than that.
Cyr: Yeah, but it doesn’t even make sense. I mean, maybe if you were
Conw: Racism, anti-semitism. You can’t go looking for the logic in it.
Here, this will help the swelling.
(Conway gives Cyril a raw steak)
Cyr: Oh, thank you. Where’d you get the steak?
Conw: Cristal. Yet another offering of unrefridgerated meat and or seafood.
Cyr: Yeah, she’s kind of weird that way.
Conw: Yeah, she’s kind of weird a bunch of ways.
Pam: Whatcha doing, bird-bones?
Cher: Looking for an pregnacy test online.
Pam: But there’s a drug store half a… Oh, you mean that you take
Cher: Yeah, I want to know, like, now.
Pam: Well thank God for them Internets.
(Archer arrives, followed by Mallory and Conway)
Arch: OK, so what’s this lame meeting about.
Cher: No idea and I’m busy and go away.
Arch: Excuse me?
Cher: Oh my god, why are you still here?
Arch: Well, Mother called me for a meeting.
Mal: Well, I thought you called a meeting. Oh and by the way, you don’t call
a meeting, only I call a meeting.
Conw: I called the meeting.
Mal: Which I love. That you did that.
Conw: I’m sorry, I know it’s not standard procedure, but we’ve got a problem.
Cher: A problem, or a blessing?
Conw: … A problem…
(everyone is watching mallory’s projector screen)
Conw: .. It’s a silent submarine propulsion system called the “Whisper Drive”
Mal: Sounds sexy.
Arch: Would you stop it.
Conw: Folks, please.
Lana: You’re embarrassing.
Conw: Jesus. This is “Wilhelm Schmeck”, inventor of the Whisper Drive.
Yesterday, Schmeck went missing, along with the plans for the Whisper
Drive. I’ve tracked him to South Beach where he’s arranged to sell the
plans to Cuban Naval Intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban
missile subs could be parked.. right.. off.. Miami.. Beach.
Mal: Uh, just what Miami needs.. More Cubans.
Conw: And all we need is a stand-in who resembles Schmeck’s Cuban contact.
Arch: Wha? wha? That looks nothing like me.
Mal: Well, he’s just a lot more handsome.
Arch: Yeah, whatever.
Mal: Zip. it. Conway, dear. The plan?
Conw: Using Archer as bait, we slip in just ahead of the real Cubans, capture
Schmeck and recover the plans. And if we could run this thing through
your condo, that would be ..
Arch: What, you have a South Beach condo?
Mal: I um.. ah..
Conw: Hey, how’s the lemon tree doing?
Mal: Rahul says it already has tiny lemons. That was a wonderful thank you
Conw: Well, it was a wonderful weekend.
Mal: It was, wasn’t it.
Arch: You were there? in the condo? together?
Conw: Yeah. last weekend.
(Archer throws up)
Mal: See that’s what happens when you drink all day and skip lunch. Oh.. we
were supposed to have paella.
(Archer throws up again)
Airport, check-in desk
(Archer is wearing a disguise including a fake moustache)
Conw: Archer, c’mon man, lets go.
Arch: You go, get on the plane, buckle in, sit there, and think about how
you’re not the boss of me.
(to check-in girl) Hey babe, got any extra puke bags?
(We see Lana is the check-in girl)
Lana: Why, you taking a moral inventory?
Arch: Jesus, God. What.. are you doing here.
Lana: I’m trying to save..
Arch: Our relationship? Lana..
Arch: Maybe when I get back we can work out some kind of a bang-buddy deal.
(Lana slaps Archer)
Lana: I want.. you.. to.. listen to me.
Arch: Well, then unperforate my eardrum.
Lana: Un… head up your ass. I think Conway is totally up to something.
Arch: Duh. You think I’m an idiot? I know he wants to marry Mother
and make her cut me out of the will.
Lana: Uh.. Archer.
Arch: Which is why I’m going to kill him.
Lana: Oh, ok. Well, what ever the reason.
Arch: It’s not because of the whole black stepfather thing. I think you know
me better than that.
Lana: Yeah, I do. So try not to do anything stupid, OK? Conway could be
Arch: You know what’s dangerous, you’re obsession with me.
Arch: Seriously, Lana, call Kenny Loggins, because you’re in
the “Danger Zone”. From “Top Gun”.
Lana: Just be careful.
(Archer’s moustache falls off)
Arch: … No.
Arch: God, this is so classic Mother.
Conw: Yeah, pretty tastefully done, huh.
Arch: No, you ass. The selfishness. She never shares anything with anybody.
Flash to Mallory’s office
Cyr: What, you’re keeping that office for you?
Mal: I need it to escape the glare, from across the street.
Pam: From.. there’s no glare!
Mal: Well, not now, but mid-April, every morning, for almost twenty minutes.
Cyr: So, you’re going to keep that huge corner office empty for ..
Pam: Nintey gazillion percent of the time.
Cyr: .. just because the glare is annoying?!
Mal: Well, semi-annoying.
Back to the condo
Conw: OK, you’re meeting Schmeck at that cafe across the street down there.
Arch: And why do you have that, exactly? (indicating Conway’s sniper rifle)
Conw: Well, you never know what’s going to happen.
Arch: Yeah, two people all alone together down here, at South Beach.
Conw: So I’d rather have it and not need it..
Arch: uh huh.
Conw: .. than need it and not have it.
Arch: Oh, uh huh.
Conw: Kinda like a condom, I guess. Which actually happened last weekend.
Arch: Oh my G.. (Archer throws up)
Conw: Damn man. I was just kidding. Look, if you’re too nervous..
Arch: I’m fine, alright. Just let me rinse of my moustache.
The cafe across the street
Schm: You are more handsome, in your photos.
Arch: Oh. Yeah. Talk to me about handsome.
Schm: And you have no trace of Cuban accent.
Arch: Yeah, it’s called tradecraft, genius. I blend.
Conw: (over radio) Just shut up and get the plans.
Arch: (out loud) You shut up and get the plans.
Arch: I mean give.. me.. those plans now. Give me the plans.
Schm: You may have them when I confirm the balance in my Swiss account.
Arch: Tell them not to bother.
Arch: (over radio) Wait. What, what are we doing?
(Conway snipes Schmeck, killing him)
Arch: Conway! What the shit, man?
Conw: What? Schmeck was a traitor.
Arch: Yeah. Now he’s all over my four-hundred dollar custom shirt.
Conw: Well, I’ll buy you a new one. Now grab the plans, before it’s too late.
Arch: It’s already too late…
(A Cuban turns on Archer)
Cuban: Hah hah, yes it is. Now, hand over..
(Archer shoots the cuban)
Arch: .. because it’s already soaked in to the fibers, dumbass.
This is linen.
(Four more Cubans turn on Archer)
Arch: (worried) and that is a Cuban hit squad.
Conw: And you might want to duck.
(Conway snipes and kills the hit squad)
Back in Mallory’s condo
Arch: Oh my God! Conway! That was amazing!
Conw: Yeah, well, you know?
Arch: No seriously, that was like.. that was like a ..
Conw: Charles Whitman “Sampler”?
Arch: Damn it. Yes. Seriously.. Thanks.
Conw: Oh, don’t thank me yet.
(Conway points a pistol at Archer)
Arch: Conway! No!
(Conway shoots past Archer, hitting some Cubans in the hall)
Conw: Now you can thank me.
Arch: Oh my God. You saved my life twice.
Conw: Nah, you would have done the same for me.
Arch: No I wouldn’t have. I mean, I was actually kind of planning on killing
Conw: Wait, what?
Arch: I know, I know. Now I’m totally embarrassed.
Conw: Hey, you know what, water under the bridge, dude. Matter of fact, come
here, let’s man hug it.
Arch: Alright. OK.
(Stern gives Archer a hug)
Conw: I mean, after all, we are going to be family. Once I marry your Mum.
Conw: I’m kidding. God, relax man.
Arch: Because for a second there, I’m like.. not in a racist way..
(Conway stabs Archer in the back)
Conw: Yeah, buddy?
Arch: Ah, Are there more bad guys behind me?
Arch: You dick.
Conw: Hah hah hah, you dumbass. I set this whole thing up. I just needed a
stand in for those broke-ass Cubans.
Arch: Yeah, I get it.
Conw: I mean, c’mon, the Chinese would pay five times as much for the whisper
drive. And once they do, let’s just say you better learn to use some
Arch: Conway, wait, just answer me one question.
Conw: Yeah, but make it quick, my ride’s here… And your lungs are filling up
Arch: Did you.. have.. sex with my mother?
Conw: Wait. What? That is your only question. Not “who am I”? Not “How did I
infiltrate ISIS”? Or “who the hell is flying the helicopter”?
Arch: Just answer the question
(A cable from a helicopter drops through the window, Conway grabs on)
Conw: No, Archer, I did not have sex with your mum.
Arch: Oh, thank God. That would have been a hard image to get out of my head.
Conw: That right there – that kind of rascism is why I can’t wait to see tiny
little Chinese boots on your white-ass necks. Which may sound
hypocritical, I know, but…(to helicopter pilot) Would you go?
(Lana enters, and shoots Conway with a spear gun, halting his escape)
Conw: What the..
Lana: Sorry, Conway… ah, wait, shit, I had something for this.
Conw: Is it something like “You don’t get off the hook that easy”?
Arch: Yeah, he’s good at those.
Lana: Well crawl on over there and blow it.
Arch: Hey, c’mon.
Lana: Now drop the case, Conway!
Conw: It’s cuffed on, woman. And how the hell are your hands that strong?
(Lana struggles to keep Conway from escaping. Conway’s hand gets pulled off)
(Conway escapes, minus his right-hand)
Conw: You haven’t seen the last of Conway Stern… Which is not my real name.
Lana and Archer are left in the condo
Arch: So let me guess..
Lana: Yeah, whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file onto our world wide database.
Arch: Which you probably found out while researching me,..
Arch: .. Lana, ’cause you’re in the, ah, “Danger Zone”!
(Archer coughs and splutters)
Mallory is speaking to Lana over the phone
Lana: And they were his last words, right before he bled to death on the rug.
Mal: Which rug? .. Oh good, I thought you meant in the bedroom.
No, that one is just jute… Exactly, guests come in from the beach,
they’re all sandy or whatever and…Suspended? Lana dear, you’re getting
a bonus. My God, you foiled that perfidious Conway, saved Sterling’s… Oh,
all right, pull the knife out (Archer groans, audible over the phone)
and slap Saran-wrap the hole. But leave me enough to make guacamole…
No you squeeze lemon juice over it and then smoosh the Sarin wrap right
down on top, that way it doesn’t go brown… Oh, let the paramedics do
that, you just have fun dear. Mmm hmm. Bye.
(Mallory hangs up)
Cut to Mallory’s office
Mal: Oh, Damn! Now I bet she’s going to squeeze up all my brand new lemons,
and I’ll have nothing left to remind me of Conway.
Cher: Except his little mocha love-child.
Cheryl holds up a pregency test pen
Mal: His what?
Mal: You had sex with Conway?
Cher: Yeah, and he totally impregnated me.
Mal: Wait, he was only here two days. How is that pregnancy test showing
Cher: Oh, this is just a detergent pen. I just put a little blue sticker